He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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