On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Is Oprah even human
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
