I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
