As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
