She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
