Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
