Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
