WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
