I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
