Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
