just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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