If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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