I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
