You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
