So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
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My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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