mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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