I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
