Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
