you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
