I faked an abortion last night.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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