Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
