thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
how does that bad decision feel?
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