I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
