I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
