Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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