I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
