apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
