Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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