that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
