i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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