Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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