Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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