dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
