I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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