Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
