my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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