I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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