Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Panties = found
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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