I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
