i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
