We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
