My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
