Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
