if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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