I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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