Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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