Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So vagazzling was a success
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
