My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
