dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
