Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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