the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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