I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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