last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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