I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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